Mrs. Olson Is Shocked
An Iowa woman finds a dead turtle in her package of Folgers coffee.

I'm Gonna Put You On Holdup
A woman blabs nonstop on her cell as she pulls off four bank robberies.

Bambi Bounces
A flying deer hits a Modesto motorist who had got out to see if his car had struck a buck.

Nebraskans Hold Their Noses
Quarry pile "smells like it's a cross between death and vomit."

I See Dead People, Boss
Security guard fired for seeing ghosts -- but he can collect unemployment.

Toilet Man Sticks To His Story
Some doubt that he was glued to a Home Depot toilet seat, so he offers to take a polygraph.

The Worst Kind Of Sticker Shock
A man seeks $30,000 from his ex-girlfriend for gluing his genitals to his abdomen.

Too Phat To Escape On Foot
A suspected thief is tripped up by his baggy pants. He falls twice while being chased by police.

Police Arrest 'Belligerent Drunk Man'
He was the life of the Halloween party until he lived up to his costume.

3 Bedrooms, 2 Baths And 1 Bride
Buy a Denver home on eBay -- wife-to-be included!

Demon Accosts Good Samaritan Helping Vampire
"Imagine you're ... on this dark roadway, you have a hysterical woman beside you, and the devil jumps on your hood."

Battle To The Death In The Bedroom
It takes 40 minutes, but a man finally kills a buck with his bare hands.

Polygamous Judge Battles For Job
Hildale, Utah, Judge Walter Steed has three wives who are biological sisters.

Those Aren't Crumbs
A cabbie with a grudge is accused of sprinkling dried feces on baked goods at a grocery store.

There's A Humongous Fungus Among Us
Missourian finds a 56-pound mushroom -- and that was only the "small half" of it.

Teacher, Somebody Bit My Spoon
School district agrees to stop reusing plastic cutlery. "It's just gross," says kid.

Unable To Leap Tall Buildings
"I am Superman! Nothing can happen to me!" man says as he jumps out of a fourth-floor window.

Good Deed, Bad Aim
An Aussie trying to kill a friend's cow as a favor shoots a motorist instead.

Some Women Did Laugh At His 'Package'
This guy allegedly thought placing pics of his genitals in envelopes on women's cars "would be funny."

Expired Parking
Cop tickets a parked car, fails to notice the dead body slumped over the steering wheel.

Jail 'Bird' Gets His Wish
Defendant asks that his 30-year prison sentence be extended to 33 years to match Larry Bird's number.

'Mr. Floatie's' Mayoral Hopes Go Down The Tubes
"Of course I'm not a real person. I'm a big piece of poop."

Employees In Knife Fight Over Microwave Use
Police say Walgreens coworkers brawled over who gets to zap her soup first.

Reptiles Do The Darndest Things
Python explodes while trying to eat an alligator.

Santa's Reindeer Killed By Danish Air Force
Heart failure is ruled cause. Denmark compensates the part-time St. Nick.

Mail Enhancement
An unwanted package of 500 Viagra pills is delivered to pastor's home.